suicidal ♥ r o s e

confessions of a true drama queen

the gift of life
glamourgirl
suicidalrose
i've been meaning to do a journal post on my whole birth process and journey through my first few weeks with a newborn. i know well and good that these memories are worth a lifetime and you rarely remember them well past a couple of years. it'd be something nice to recall at her 12th birthday, maybe. or when i'm having my second. hopefully not till she's in grade school!

so i last left you when she was 30 weeks gestation and looking cute as a button. at 34 weeks, i was diagnosed with PIH. or, pregnancy-induced hypertension. dr j karen of island hospital upgraded me to high risk pregnancy and monitored me on a weekly basis thereafter. i was pretty much asymptomatic throughout though. and i had a famously tiny belly. i only looked suspiciously pregnant when i entered my 6th month and when i was term, i only appeared like i was 6 months along. here's my belly diary...

(to be added later coz livejournal app for iphone is dumb)

the last one was taken at exactly 39 weeks gestation, and she popped the very next day. it was sunday, april 19th 2015 and the day started much like any other. lol. hubby had badminton that morning and had gotten up at about 7 am to shower and get ready. i also stumbled awake and went to prepare a hot chocolate drink as per my norm. i had been off work since 6th april and was basically just a sloth every day 😅

i went to the toilet to relieve my bladder and found that i had bloody show. or actually, pink brown show. prior to this i never ever had any colored discharge (unlike some other women) so this was definitely unusual. but like i said, it wasn't red or abundant, there was no sign of water bag breakage and i wasn't having a single contraction... so i thought okay, maybe this is just the mucus plug and i still got time.

i had a couple of very tolerable contractions the previous day about 30 mins apart and that was it. nothing else. so i thought best to get it checked out. i told hubby we should go to the hospital after he finished his game. he suggested i follow him to his game which i turned down. then suddenly my pink brown show turned to bright red blood.

now i started to freak out a little. i told hubby cannot liao, like this confirm have to go to the hospital asap. so we left the house at about 8 and reached before 8:30 am. i was pushed into the labour suite by 9 am and hooked up to the CTG machine. the nurses wanted to monitor me for contractions and the whole time i was thinking, man are they gonna be laughing when they see there's none and also, am i gonna get charged for this "checkup"?

initially my "contractions" (i'm saying this coz they didn't feel like the horror contraction stories you read about) were like 30 mins apart and only lasted 30 secs maybe. so the nurse was like, most probably you have to go home today but we'll continue to monitor and see. half an hour later they were coming every 10 mins and felt like minor period pains. the nurse checked me and i was a pitiful 1 cm dilated. medical term: totally not in labor. but the nurse decided to call up and inform my gynae dr karen who was about to come for rounds so she said she'll come take a look at me. by the time dr karen arrived it was about 10 am maybe, and it was as if my uterus or my baby was super excited to see her or something (i know right, wtf)... suddenly my contractions became 5 mins apart. which is a sign of active labor. dr karen checked me and i was 3 cm dilated now. so she then asked me, do you want to progress your labor and have the baby today? to which i said yes and also get me an epidural quick!

so she broke my water bag (in my opinion this procedure was the most painful of the day?), i had the funky warm water gushing out feeling which was totally funky. then soon after a young anesthetist came in and helped me get my epidural set up. it was nice 😌 and i only have positive things to say about him and the epidural. totally painless during insertion except for the initial needle prick which was really like i said less painful than my water bag breaking. it was tingly and cold but in his defense the room really was freezing.

shortly after the meds went in, i felt numbness over my left leg. like serious cannot feel my leg stuff. my right leg still got feeling and then when my contractions got stronger i felt it on my right side. so the 3cm progressed to 5cm which progressed to 7cm by noon. it was all happening very fast. suddenly got stall a bit, btwn noon and 3pm only dilate additional 1cm. grand total 8cm. i was getting impatient, my epidural also doesn't seem to be working on the right side so i requested for a top up bolus. they gave, and instantly i was in heaven. no clue when my contractions were, no clue when they were checking my dilation. etc.

at 4pm, dr karen gloved up to check me and said okay our friend is at the door. i'm like wtf she is? lolol. she then said it's time! all this time i'm like omgomgomg it's time. and they put my legs up in stirrups and i started... shivering. shaking. chattering. in fear. lol. i'm like oh shit i can't do this. haha. the nurse must be like wtf this girl worst is over liao only suddenly cannot do this. but you must understand, the 8? hours i was in so called labor i didn't feel much. i was enjoying tea cakes with milo and watching x-men marathon! it was not the terrible nightmare i was expecting (and dreading) for the better part of 9 months...

for the record, i pushed a grand total of THREE times. clap clap. lol, not. poor baby fell into bradycardia when i pushed (probably coz i suck at pushing and i was holding my breath and suffocating her 😔) and the dr said she had to get the baby out asap so they used a vacuum. she was out really quick, 5 minutes tops of being stuck in my err, down there? lol. no tears on expulsion but after some suctioning, she was crying healthily! and the nurse shoved her into my arms and said hold your baby. i was like WTF i don't know how?! but yeah, no time to learn coz the next second there she was fresh from the womb and needing a hug. pretty amazing feeling holding your baby for the first time. after 9 months holding her in my tummy.

she was born at at exactly 4:24 pm on sunday the 19th of april 2015. length 52 cm, head circumference 30 cm, weight 3.15 kg. marissa mei 😍



living with a newborn story to be continued...

still
glamourgirl
suicidalrose

twenty two months. and i still feel giddy when i hear your voice. i still get goosebumps when you hold my hand. and i still see stars when we kiss. may we always remain so enraptured with one another.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPad.

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thank you and sorry
glamourgirl
suicidalrose

a couple of things i've learnt this week which are worth taking note of.

firstly, when you suspect someone is lying to you, throwing accusations such as you are lying! and i don't believe you! is really not progressive behaviour at all. instead, disregard whether or not what the person has said is true, and thank them for always being truthful to you. this is much, much more powerful and efficient in managing with a liar. they will suddenly feel a guilt for having lied that is impossible to achieve if you had continued down that path of accusation and blame. it's very difficult for someone with defense mode on to recognize their own mistakes. and if in the case they were indeed being truthful, you save the need to apologize later for having wrongfully accused them.

and secondly, in a fight, no matter who is wrong or what has been said, always apologize. even if you did nothing wrong, apologize plainly for having misunderstood or for having lost your temper. saying sorry almost always ends a dispute abruptly and leaves the other person to question if, they too, have something to apologize for. it also softens the other person's flaring temper and returns them to normal judgement. where they are no longer so overcome with fury they cannot make or hear any sense.

thank you and sorry. the very basic principles. they go a long, long way in communication.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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(no subject)
glamourgirl
suicidalrose
the person you're with has to be someone you are comfortable sharing every single part of you with. no matter how devious, no matter how despicable, no matter how shameful.

the problem of distrust stems from when we think someone that we love will not approve or be able to accept how we are or what we have done. hence we feel the need to hide it or lie about it to seemingly protect them or the relationship. but in essence, we are actually causing more harm.

i think this revelation is huge. transparency is key.

to my dear wanderer
glamourgirl
suicidalrose

dear wanderer,

i don't know if you still come here now, but i just wanted to tell you that i saw the adele song with the words that hit home and it brought tears to my eyes.

it made me hurriedly call all our common friends in search of your number that i so hastily deleted a month ago.

i never think, if i were to call... what would i say? words fail me. if we keep pulling at each other, something's gonna give. i just don't know anymore. i think it's fair enough now to say, ours was a great love.

i will always love you, and if you keep pulling i will fall. a glowing ember will only glow and relight if you fan it. if left alone, it will blow out.

i sincerely hope that the two of us will eventually find peace, whichever way it may come to us.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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jailbreak goodies
glamourgirl
suicidalrose
my holy grail cydia packages
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htc plugin for lockinfo
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my holy grail cydia sources
cydia.hackulo.us
sinfuliphonerepo.com

Getting through a UTI
glamourgirl
suicidalrose
storing this for future reference. other than antibiotics (unasyn) and a potassium citrate mixture to help alkalinise the urine, there are a few other things you can do to help ease along the recovery from a uti.

1. drink plenty of water. double the daily recommended and drink up to 10 glasses of water a day to flush out the bacteria quickly.

2. drink 2-4 glasses of cranberry juice a day.

3. incorporate blueberries into your daily diet either with cereal or yogurt.

4. consume 2 cups of yogurt a day to fight off yeast infection as a consequence of antibiotics.

5. take 1000 mg of vitamin c a day.

6. eat a cup of pineapple a day. bromelain found in pineapples increase the effectiveness of antibiotics against uti.

through the years
glamourgirl
suicidalrose

(no subject)
glamourgirl
suicidalrose
every now and then, i still miss you. the time we spent together, the laughs we shared, the fights we had. you still remain, the love of my life.

(no subject)
glamourgirl
suicidalrose
We were as one babe
For a moment in time
And it seemed everlasting
That you would always be mine

Now you want to be free
So I'm letting you fly
Cause I know in my heart babe
Our love will never die
No!

You'll always be a part of me
I'm a part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby

I ain't gonna cry no
And I won't beg you to stay
If you're determined to leave girl
I will not stand in your way
But inevitably you'll be back again
Cause ya know in your heart babe
Our love will never end no

You'll always be a part of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby

I know that you'll be back girl
When your days and your nights get a little bit colder oooohhh
I know that, you'll be right back, babe
Ooooh! baby believe me it's only a matter of time

You'll always be a part of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my my baby....

You'll always be a part of me (you will always be)
I'm part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on (we will linger on....)
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby

Always be my baby

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